See your scars as proof that you made it…not evidence that you almost didn’t.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Inventory - take 2

STOP. Before you continue, it is imperative that you read this or you will not understand a word I’m saying. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

The question is… “Who am I?” The answer is of course very simple and was there all along. I am…me. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know who I was, it’s that I didn’t like who I was. There was this person that would stare back at me from the mirror and I would cringe. You’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re nothing, I would tell the girl. She never fought back and the abuse continued. Then the girl would foolishly turn to those around her and expect them to fix her. Being “Their daughter, her friend, his girlfriend, his wife, his mom” was just an excuse to avoid being the only thing I could be which was and is, MYSELF. Since this post I have published two novels and am currently finishing the third in my series. Fate has been a very large part of these books and somewhere in between Emmy’s Heart and the first few chapters of Sarah’s Fate I managed to find Christy’s courage. The courage to look within myself for happiness because, honey, the only person that can make you happy…I mean truly happy, is you. And before you can love someone else…I mean truly love them, you have to learn to love yourself. And I have. Do I still have my days? Of course. I’m still a girl. But now when I look around me I see my parents, and my BFF, and my honey, and my son and I am happy.

For my 31st birthday I have decided to get a tattoo of the word believe over the scar on my wrist. Why believe? Because that’s all we have. The only thing that cannot be taken away from us is our ability and capacity to believe. Believe in fate, in God, in love, in unicorns, in vampires. Without that, without something to hold onto and believe in, what are we? What do we have but empty spaces inside of us longing to be filled? So now when I’m brushing my teeth or putting on my Twilight bracelet I won’t see a scar. I’ll see my husband’s face, and my son’s smile. I’ll hear Maria laughing and Courtney talking in her funny guy voice, (you really should hear that, it’s hilarious) and think the words ‘published author’ because at the end of the day, I believe in me.

I will never forget my first love or the pain I felt and I’m glad. Because without that, without everything I’ve been through, what the hell would I write about? ;)

Hi, I’m Christy. I’m a published author with a “gift for tense and revealing dialogue” (I didn’t write that, it’s from a review of Emmy’s Heart) and more stories to tell. I’m the mother of a great kid and the wife of a very hardworking man. I’m friends with some amazing girls (and guys) and am happy to say, have stopped abusing the girl in the mirror. It's nice to meet you.

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